Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Losing a little one..

I am posting this message about what I went through during my recent miscarriage. It will be 3 wks. tomorrow since the little one went to heaven. So many thoughts passed my mind and if it wasn't for my faith in God to get me through this loss I still would be in a deep depression. The shock came first, then tears, then denial, then severe loss, then depression, and more uncontrollable tears. I was so very sad. I couldn't see other pregnant mother's, or little ones being held by their moms. Other thoughts that came through during the loss... Did I take too many or the wrong vitamins? Did the stress of losing my mother-in-law affect the embryo? Did the long drive to New York for the wake and the lack of sleep during those 10 days cause this to happen? Was it the pneumonia/bronchitis I had for 2 wks or the medication I took to help(with the Ob doc. permission) me rid my body of the infection attacking my lungs cause the little one to not develop a heart beat? Was it the herbal medication I was taking before I found out I was pregnant? Was it the lack of morning sickness? Tears kept flowing no matter what was racing through my mind... I cried in the shower, watching tv, doing laundry, and seeing the sweet baby boy outfit my mom sent me when we both were thinking I was having a boy. I cried off and on, non-stop at times. I was tired, in pain emotionally, physically and mentally! All this had to happen in order to get through the loss! Ryan was at my side the whole time. God made sure Ryan was on his way home when I found out we were losing our baby. What got me passed the depression and the ability to understand our loss?...many prayers, lots of praying on my part, many hours spent reading online support groups, talking to my family and hearing what others went through during their miscarriage. I have a friend who lost her third baby the day after she delivered. She also lost her first baby and now has a beautiful 3 1/2 year old. I heard her story and what she went through and that helped me to get through the depression.

Losing a little one 8.5 wks was what God knew I could handle given what the little one would have gone through had he/she lived any longer. Ryan and I plan to start trying again soon. God answered another prayer.. to keep Ryan closer to home. Ryan is working about 45 mins. away on a land rig. He will be able to come home most days.. as he will be working the night shift. This is a blessing! I hope to be pregnant in the next few months...can't be soon enough for me! Below is a blog I wrote Aug. 5th. My heart goes out to all mother's! God will see us through and bring us joy in the end!

(August 5th blog) Just wanted to send an update on the pregnancy. I had a miscarriage and lost the little one Aug. 1st. I was in my 8.5 week. This pregnancy was different in that I never had the nausea and I started spotting. With this pregnancy I had very lite brown spotting with some pink on the 12th and it started up again on the 24th. I never soaked a pad, had any cramps or pain. We thought it was normal as most people do experience spotting during what would have been their normal period.(mine would have started the 24th).

There was no heart beat during our first ultrasound(July 30th) and we had another one today(July 31st) so Ryan can see for himself. I had the miscarriage naturally at home and it was very difficult. The whole process took longer than I would have preferred but wanted to be home instead of at a hospital. It took a toll on my nerves and emotions... of course Ryan didn't know what to do with himself or me... with me crying all the time etc.. Having him home to help me and right by my side was all I needed.
Emily stayed at her Aunt Sonja's house which was a blessing. I am not taking all this too well but know all will work out in the end with Gods Help and healing Hands! I am still a bit weak, tired and emotionally drained but every day has been a little bit better! This has probably been one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever had to go through. The first being Emily's delivery and recovery of course. Sharing with everyone that knew of the pregnancy has been hard but necessary.
Ryan and I were so looking forward to this baby. It took me a while to find the courage to have another baby after Emily's premature delivery and my problems with HELLP syndrome. We went to the lab Fri. Aug. 3rd to have blood drawn and to see the doc. Our doctor said we could start trying after my next normal cycle. With Ryan working for 3 to 4 weeks at a time away from home and knowing I will be 40 next February we really need to pray for a miracle to happen soon. Thanks for reading. Many Prayers our way will be appreciated. --

Love to all. Tiffany Nicole